Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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