Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
