At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
