Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
