Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
