look no pants
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
