I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
