he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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