I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My butt remains clenched, sir.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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