My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
