are you still at the devil's house?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
