Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
