I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
