She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
