She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Sorry my hands just texted you
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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