What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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