Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
