After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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