just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
