look no pants
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
