How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's blow job season.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
