You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
