So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
