there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
