I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
