I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
