you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
