i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
