he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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