I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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