Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I need a beard to bite.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
