turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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