Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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