i think i scared a bird with my dick
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
