there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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