Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
