writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
