The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
