Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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