my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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