I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
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