I met the friendliest cop last night
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
