I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
