In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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