I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
