I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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