just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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