Betty ford says i'm here all night
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
