don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
