I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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