i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
