he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
